My brain has too many tabs open. Anonymous
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
Anonymous
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
Danny Zuker
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Anonymous
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
Anonymous
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
Anonymous
Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Anonymous
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
Pablo Picasso
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Will Rogers
When nothing is going right, go left.
Anonymous
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Mark Twain
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Gore Vidal
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Steven Wright
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
George Bernard Shaw
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Anonymous
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will Rogers
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston S. Churchill
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
Laurell K. Hamilton
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Bill Murray
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
Golda Meir
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Bill Murray
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
Anonymous
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
Spanish proverb
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wrigh